| That cock!! |
Nothing can really prepare you for
waking up to your new life in a foreign country. I woke up to my alarm at 7:00
a.m. feeling displaced and irritated. I
had previously woken up at 4:30 to the barnyard sound of a rooster crowing. I laughed at the
thought of a rooster in the middle of a city, but figured it was only a logical
addition to the filthy cockroaches, kamikaze rats and x-mas bulb nipple dogs. I was exhausted and easily drifted back
to sleep.
Until 5:00 a.m. The damn cock was still crowing. I thought roosters
just did the one wake up call and then went to eat their grain or whatever it
is that roosters eat, but this particular rooster seemed to have a snooze button.
It went off every half hour for about 7 minutes straight. So, when my actual 7:00 a.m. alarm went off I was feeling very groggy and not at all well rested.
I had to take a minute or two to remember that I had moved halfway across the
world and my new boss was picking me up in an hour.
I went through the usual morning
routine. Toilet time, shower, get dressed and go. The first item on my itinerary went
smoothly. I even remembered that Thai toilets cannot handle flushed toilet
paper so I had set a plastic bag on the bathroom door for the used paper. I was
impressed with my forward thinking until I reached for the toilet paper and
realized there was none.There was not even a toilet paper holder. Dammit.
I turned my attention to the
hose next to the toilet. I had read about these fabled hoses before I arrived
in Thailand. Apparently Thai people use the ass hose instead of toilet paper.
Bidet style, except it is a hand held hose. I decided that even though I had had
a horrible sleep I was not going to let it ruin my Carpe Diem attitude that I
had promised myself to adopt in Thailand. I grabbed the hose, positioned it, and
then I pressed down the trigger button.
Holy Hell. I threw down the hose in
shock. The lack of serious water pressure from the shower had lulled me into a
false sense of security about the ass hose, but it seems that the plumber had
just re-directed all the pressure from the shower into the ass hose. The ass
hose had seriously violated me. Now, I am open to a lot of things, but I do
believe in asking permission, and here was this dirty, dirty ass hose just
going wherever he pleased without even asking my name. I kicked the hose to the
side, deciding we were no longer on speaking terms, and cleaned myself off in
the shower.
I used a lot of soap during that
shower because about half way through I remember that I had forgotten to ask
Craig about where to buy a toothbrush (or toilet paper for that matter). I finger brushed again and when I spat
on the floor (Not being gross, there is no sink.), I was alarmed to see a small
puddle of pinkish toothpaste froth pass between my bare feet and disappear down
the drain.
I had horrible visions of some Thai Vampire Spider having bit me in
the middle of the night and now the infected pustules were exploding, but I
assumed a bite from a Vampire Spider would hurt and I didn’t feel any pain. I
spat again and sure enough my spit was still the color of diluted blood. I
began to panic. Second day in Thailand and I would need to be admitted to a
Thai hospital. Dammit. Why didn’t I purchase that health insurance like my Dad
told me too? Why don’t I have a damn mirror so I can at least look inside my
mouth?
I sat down on the red plastic chair in my living room trying to take a
few deep breaths before I got dressed and knocked frantically on Craig’s door.
I looked at the moldy pillow and thought that maybe I had been infected by
fatal mold spores. Oh, god. I had seen a CSI about mold spores. They really can
be deadly. Why didn’t I take that damn pillow to Rat Town last night?
Then I
saw it. The inconspicuous, empty bottle of red wine sitting beside the pillow.
In my lazy, softly drunken haze I had gone to sleep without brushing my teeth.
| Eventually I would dub these 'hand spiders' and be quite comfortable with them hanging out on the ceiling in the bathroom. But at this point in the journey they are Thai Vampire Spiders and compel nothing but tears and screams! |
